Reflections on relationships
“Having good friends isn’s half of the Holy life. Having good friends is the whole of the Holy life”
As always when I blog I can only speak from my own experiences and journey. What I write will resonate with some, but not all. Those it resonates with I hope you know that you are not alone as you navigate the highs and lows of your relationships alongside the highs and lows of your own growth journey. I am lucky to have a few key friends that I can be comfortable enough being open and honest with about our relationships and all that comes with them. Some are old friends, some new friends and all with their own perspectives and wisdom. I have learned so much from sharing with them. Sharing vulnerably with safe trustworthy people helps us to feel less alone in our experiences.
We are all trying to figure out our own individual paths in this life. When we unite with another person, be it romantic or friendship, we create a sort of new entity or energy. We are no longer individuals in the relationship. It has become a merging of beings. The individuals growth outside of the union will have impacts on the growth of the relationship and vice versa. We have all had experiences where we have ‘outgrown’ friends. I don’t like the term ‘outgrown’ as it implies the relationship was as dispensable as a piece of clothing, but it is a common term or phrase. The experience of letting a friendship go or being aware that a friend has pulled away from you can be a painful experience as an attachment or bond was formed. We all change, life is flux. Sometimes friendships that have distance between them can come back together another time when there is more common ground again or a life lesson has been learned. Usually these friendships are strengthened by the separation and can become lifelong.
Then there are relationships we never really leave like birth family. Even in cases of estrangement this type of relationship always stays with you in the form of your attachment style and it will likely influence your future relationship choices. I believe once united in a bond it never really leaves you. The currents of it stay with you and you can learn from this. You can remove the power a relationship once held over you but the lessons learned are imprinted. Family relationships are our first love relationships and places where we learn to navigate conflict and differences. I am grateful for being born into my family and all that has taught me. It was the first part of my journey. I count myself lucky to have good relationships with both my parents and siblings. We've had our difficulties but we've always grown, learned something and come back together again. I also have a wonderful grandmother whose stories I listen to about her life journey show me what it means to be a resilient, flourishing female.
There are the romantic relationships we choose to commit to for long term. Each one as unique as the individuals who commit to them. By choice you build a life with another human being. Whatever that life looks like to you both, it requires effort and learning, especially after the first 5-7 years, to keep momentum in what you are creating together. There is individual growth alongside the growth of the relationship. I’ve been reflecting a lot on relationships and what they mean for a few years now. Earlier this year it was 20 years after Aidan and I’s first date, later this year we will be 15 years married, in the autumn I turn 40 and our children will soon be 10 and 8. This year feels like a milestone year. Our individual lives, our relationship and our family life feels like it is going through a change. The length of time of the relationship means nothing, the growth in the relationship means everything. All relationships have highs and lows but romantic relationships and long term committed relationships are different to family and friendship relationships in that there is a responsibility on both parties to come together to navigate and hash out the turbulent times together, not separately, if they both wish to stay in the relationship that is. Separate processing of conflict and an afterwards coming together is more common in family and friendship relationships. It is not always as clear cut as how I describe it here but that has been generally my experience.
“Love is absolutely vital for human life. For love alone can awaken what is divine in you.’”
Like yin and yang, there are periods of dark and light times. If there is truth in the saying opposites attract then the relationship is bound to have periods of strife. In my relationship with my husband there has been pure intimate love and there has been inconsiderate, unnecessary hurt. There has been loss of trust and betrayal but also unrelenting support for each other in difficult times. There has been laughter and joy, grief and tears. There has been anger, temper tantrums and there has been forgiveness and compassion. There has been deep friendship and periods of disconnect and loneliness. I don’t think people talk honestly about navigating long term relationships. Social media is full of surface level images and voices of happiness in perfect relationships. The opposite is shown also where there is a blame game against a partner or friend in a broken relationship where we never get to hear the other side of the story.
None of us are perfect. We all hold dark and light in us. If we don’t acknowledge our shadows and our potential to cause harm and hurt to those we love we can never truly be compassionate, find forgiveness and show up real and authentic in our relationships. If you find yourself in judgement and saying ‘I would/could never……..’ or ‘they should……..’ then you are most at risk of becoming what you never thought you could be. Your relationship is also at risk of turning into something you never thought it would be when you began. Truly get to know yourself and then show up as you choose to be for yourself and others. The relationships that have staying power will adjust to the changes an individual makes for the better. I have made many mistakes in my relationships and I choose to be accountable for my mistakes, reflect and change. Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Obviously it needs be said that there are some relationships that shouldn't be navigated. If you are being or have been physically or emotionally abused, seek help and leave that relationship. If you are not sure if you are in an abusive relationship ask yourself if you feel safe. If the answer is no, leave.
Buddhism describes love as having four elements: loving kindness, compassion, empathetic joy and equanimity. These elements can be worked on individually but entering relationships will show us where we lack in these areas and allow us to grow the parts we wish others would show to us. Relationships with children and adolescents that we care for is a fast track way to unearth our shadows. Their brutal honesty about what they see in us and their ego states mirror our own. Relationships with very close friends or romantic partners can show up issues that may be connected to attachment styles you may have developed in your younger years.
Some short lived relationships we experience provide a lesson learned that stays with us forever. I've experienced these type of relationships through work or travel. These relationships usually serve some purpose maybe in the form of mentorship or sharing similar life stages and experiences. We may never see the other half of some of these relationships again but we can always wish them well when they cross our minds. I'm reminded of an Indian women I met in my twenties when I was volunteering with a university group in an orphanage in Delhi. Myself and this woman, who was the same age as me, worked alongside each other for a month. Despite the language barrier we developed a friendship and we were very similar in personality type. When it was time for me to leave she asked me what my plans were next. When I laid out my hopes and dreams for the future she began to cry. I realised then how different the lives can be of two women of the same age and stage in life just because of where we were born. She was taken from a village by nuns to work in the orphanage for a few years and then they would find her a husband. I was half way through a degree and planning to travel the world afterwards. I think of her regularly and keep her in my thoughts in metta (loving kindness) meditations. I hope the bond we shared for that short time has influenced her life as much as it influenced mine.
In Yoga and many other eastern cultural belief systems we go inwards to learn and grow in order to outwardly express love and compassion. Imagine a world where we could have unconditional love and positive regard (Carl Rogers) for the self and others.
“Try to be a rainbow, in someone’s cloud.”
Resources and references:
Your one wild and precious life. Dr Maureen Gaffney
The art of loving. Erich Fromm
The four elements of true love in Buddhism. Thich Nhat Hahn. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKWIeQXCKvU (a must watch!)
A radical awakening. Dr Shefali.
